Bubbles

I'm sure you're familiar with the concept of "the bubble". Our six year old son is not. He loves to get into people's physical space whether it's leaning on their shoulder, grabbing things they are working on or playing with, or sticking his face inches from theirs. Today, while I was preparing to fill the car with gas, he was in the car with our little 3 year old. I reminded him, before I exited, to stay in his own space. The moment I inserted the pump into the tank I heard crying from inside the car. Sure enough, our son had once again invaded our daughter's space. I opened the car door, yelled at him to back off and then finished filling up.

As soon as I got in the car, I angrily told him to expect the usual consequence and I unleashed my exasperated voice of disapproval at him saying things like, "I don't understand you! Dad and I have tried so hard to teach you how to respect other people's space and you keep doing this over and over again! How can I get through to you?!" His defenses went up and what I can tell you is that me yelling at him got me no closer to getting through to him. In fact, it was quite the opposite.

Later on, when I was reflecting on this experience, I had an epiphany. We have two bubbles. One is physical. One is emotional. I learned early on in life how to respect people's physical boundaries, however, I still need a lot of practice respecting their emotional boundaries, especially when it comes to my children. The truth is, our feelings come from our thoughts and we are responsible for our own feelings and thoughts. Sometimes we have incredible urges to push our thoughts and feelings on to other people in hopes that we will "get through" to them. More often than not, no matter how strong our thoughts and feelings may seem to us, the more forcefully we try to push them into someone else's bubble, the stronger that person will make their bubble. It's simply not productive. I've experienced it from both outside the bubble trying to force my way in and from inside the bubble trying to keep someone else out.

Does this mean we shouldn't try to express our thoughts and feelings? Or course not! Beautiful connection and understanding can be fostered through sharing and, in our children's case, teaching by way of expressing thoughts and feelings. It all comes down to our delivery. Don't bang on the door. Knock gently or ring the bell, one time. Force doesn't always equal power. You can mean what you say and firmly lay out expectations in a loving, authentic way.

"Miles, it's important to give your sister space. I love you. How can you treat your sister in a way that you would want to be treated. I notice this is sometimes hard for you. What can I do to help you remember?" When I speak to him in this way, not only is he less likely to reinforce the wall of his bubble, I may even have a chance of being invited in.

People have 2 bubbles; Physical and Emotional. It is important to respect both bubbles. People have a physical bubble to protect their bodies. They also have an emotional bubble to protect their feelings. Both bubbles are very important to respect.

• How can you tell if you are getting too close to someone's physical bubble?
• How can you tell if you are getting too close to someone's emotional bubble?
• How do you feel when someone is getting too close to your physical bubble?
• How do you feel when someone is getting too close to your emotional bubble?
• How can you share your thoughts and feelings with someone in a way that respects his or her bubbles?